When I look back on my “career” thus far as a professional writer, I always have fond memories of the first job I had as a writer. I was hired by a marketing company who had a client who wanted to change the direction of an environmentally focused website to be a little more “in your face” and a little less “fluffy hippy bullshit”. Just so happens that was a great fit for me. In fact, my first piece I wrote for them was about why the Prius is a steaming piece of shit, and not an environmental wonder. It was my writing sample they requested, and the reason they hired me. Eventually the company got run into the ground like a greased refrigerator dropped from a shallow orbit, but it was an amazing experience. It gave me the opportunity to learn the business, to take that knowledge and work fro myself as a content creator for a couple of years, and eventually the chance to hook back up with that original client and get hired full-time. Funny how things work themselves out.
So out of curiosity, the other day I decided to see how much of my original content still existed on that website I’d originally been hired to write for, and I cam across one of my favorite things I’ve ever written. It’s one of my favorites because it pissed A LOT of people off. It was an piece written on an ENVIRONMENTAL website about how penguins don’t think climate change is such a bad thing. It was also posted on April Fool’s day and people didn’t get the correlation. It was beautiful, and I’ve included the article for you below:
Penguin Coalition: Climate Change is “Not That Bad”
In a surprising move today, the leader of the Antarctic Penguin Coalition, or APC, sent out a press release simply stating; “Climate change is not that bad”. This was pretty shocking to us here, not only because we didn’t know that penguins had a press team – let alone an entire coalition, but we were all pretty sure that shift in climate was bad. After a brutal 4 day trip of flights, boat rides, and Snowcat treks, I had a chance to sit down with the leader of the penguin coalition, Bob, and ask him about the press release.
JG: First off, thank you for taking time out of your penguin schedule to sit down with me.
Bob: Not a problem, buddy. You keep flipping me dead fish out of that bucket you got there, and I’m yours all afternoon.
JG: Noted. Now, a lot of people are up in arms about you claiming that climate change is, and I quote, “Not That Bad”. I for one would think that you’d be the first one to cry out about the melting of the polar ice caps.
Bob: Well let me stop you right there. (Wiggles penguin tail)(Adorably) We didn’t mention the ice caps specifically in our press release, but since you brought it up, yeah, a little rearranging might be in order. You humans get all up in arms about the pictures bouncing around the internet of polar bears floating around on chunks of ice…
JG: Wait, penguins have the internet?
Bob: Of course we do, how else would we update our Facebook statuses?
JG: Touché.
Bob: Anyhoo, like I was saying, you humans like to twist things to make them look worse than they are. Hate to break it to you “Apex Predators”, but polar bears can swim. They float around on those blocks of ice to save their energy, they are basically polar bear bass boats. Guess what they are saving that energy for?
JG: The polar bears have a softball league?
Bob: Eating my family and friends.
JG: Oh… Yeah, I can see how that might put a negative spin on “polar bear bass boats”.
Bob: Sure, it’s no big deal to you, you have opposable thumbs and semi-automatic shotguns. What do we penguins have? Wiggly butts, permanent tuxedos, and wings that are as useful for flying as a bag of hammers. We need every advantage we can get in the polar bear game. The ice fields limit their movements of their ice boats, making them swim more, and thus keeping us safe. I mean, have you ever seen a polar bear? They are terrifying!
JG: I mean I see the logic, but what about rising water levels, tidal shifts, and extreme weather? You know, all the other aspects of climate shifting?
Bob: First off, take a glass and fill it with ice cubes and water. As the ice melts does the glass overflow? No. The water level stays the same. It’s a little concept called displacement, read a book Mr. Writer Man. Second, you’re going to talk to a penguin about extreme weather? It’s -27 degrees here like 11 months out of the year. You are bundled up in 5 layers and $300 dollars of cold weather gear. The most sensitive areas I have are drug across ice 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, from birth to devastating polar bear demise.
JG: Point made. It still seems a little brash to just dismiss the effects of global warming, based on its effects on “polar bear bass boats”, and re-arranging your icy landscapes.
Bob: Hey, if you want to redecorate a bathroom in your house, you have a guy you can call, and he will come do it. You know what it would cost to get a general contractor out here? Side note: I personally think your dismissal of the polar bear thing is pretty funny considering…
JG: Considering what?
Bob: There are two of them behind you.
