As I mentioned in a Facebook update yesterday, I’ve finally decided to add a new dynamic to The Next Thirty Years in the form of “The Dating Chronicles”. How good of an idea this is, is still to be seen – but I assure you it will be damned interesting no matter what…
Now those of you who know me, know that my dating life has played out somewhere between a greek tragedy written on acid bender, and a Penthouse Forum letter that’s been translated from another language by someone who doesn’t speak either the original or translated language.
That being said, I want to clarify some things:
1. This is not an opportunity for me to brag about sexual conquests like a drunken fraternity vice-president. In fact, if I do tell stories of a sexual nature they are only going to be the funny ones. Yes, I’m sure there will be a mention of sexual experiences in all lights (good or bad), but it’s merely to add depth to the story – not a half-assed attempt at becoming an erotica writer. Remember: MY MOM READS THESE. Family gatherings are awkward enough as it is without my mom knowing what I did on a drunken camping trip when I was 20.
2. This is not an opportunity for me to whine about loves lost, although at some point – it’s probably going to feel that way. I’ve had my heart absolutely decimated, and I’ve done some decimating myself. I’m not here to call anyone out. No Names will be named. No fingers will be pointed. This is merely me sharing 17+ years of nearly perpetual dating. I’m 35, never married, no kids. There has been a whole vast collection of crazy shit that’s gone on.
3. There will be posts that are password protected. I’ll set up an email address where you can retrieve said password for free – but just know those are the SPECIFIC posts I don’t want family members being able to read. Not out of shame – because those are easily going to be the funniest, but because like I said – I have enough awkwardness in my life.
THAT being said, I’ve decided to include a disclaimer at the beginning of each Dating Chronicle post that will read:
What you are about to read in a personal insight to my personal life and should be viewed as such. This is not an attempt to brag, attack, belittle, or otherwise negatively impact anyone other than the occasional opportunity to make fun of myself. If you are a family member: know that you’re about to read something that could make future interaction weird. If you are someone I have dated in the past and what you’re reading sounds like I am talking about you – I probably am. If you feel the need to be snarky in the comments section, be my guest. Just know I will reply with equal or greater snarkiness. NO names will be mentioned. Dates will be changed. No one is innocent, but I’ll do my best to protect us.