Allan Watts once said, “Write like you’re a goddamn death row inmate and the governor is out of the country and there’s no chance for a pardon. Write like you’re clinging to the edge of a cliff, white knuckles, on your last breath, and you’ve got just one last thing to say, like you’re a bird flying over us and you can see everything, and please, for God’s sake, tell us something that will save us from ourselves. Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone.”
Now, I know I have referenced that quote (in its entirety) more than once. It hangs on my wall right behind my computer monitor, so when I glance up at the screen (I watch my fingers when I type), it’s right there for me to read. As many times as I have changed my mind about what I want to do with this website, the one thing I don’t do enough of is write on it. I mean, this is my literary playground, and I never get on the swing set.
To hell with that. Starting today, I am writing something here every single day.
Or maybe just on the weekdays…screw it, whatever.
So I made a comment on Facebook the other day about “my dating life existing to give me a better appreciation of country music.” I got to thinking,”Why don’t I ever discuss my dating life?” I mean, sure it reads like a Greek tragedy co-written by Hunter S. Thompson and the Farrelly brothers, but that shouldn’t be a deterrent. Maybe it boils down to my own stupid pride? Maybe I don’t want to create drama? I think in reality, the reason I don’t write about it is because then I’d have to show some chinks in the “tough guy” armor I try to polish up every day, and admit that my heart gets broken on a fairly regular basis.
Now when I wrote the original Emotionalism post, it was directed at one specific person, and if I had known it was to become a trend, I would have locked up my keyboard the day I wrote it. I’ve made this amazing habit of meeting women, dating them, giving them my entire world on a plate, and then being left by them. I mean my last relationship quite literally just ended. No words were spoken, we just quit talking. No closure, no reasoning, nothing.
At first, I was simply pissed off about it. “How could I give my whole world to someone, and they can just walk away? Fuck that, I am better than that. I deserve better,” is what I told myself. I was too busy being mad to be hurt. It’s like the adrenaline rush you get when you get punched in the face. Your rage can be a painkiller, right up until the time that the rage subsides. And true to that theory, as the anger faded, I realized I was CRUSHED. It was like I had a bomb crater in my chest where my heart had been. All those questions started burning in my head, “What did I do? What didn’t I do? Why am I not good enough?”
Well Kiddos, I have an answer to those 3 questions… Nothing. Nothing. You aren’t good enough – You are Great.
I am done trying to figure out why these relationships don’t work. Even if I have to admit that the common denominator in all these failures is me.
One of the things I figured out after the last one left was that I am so much better of a human being when I have someone to love. I am just built for it. I’m not 33, single, never married, and childless on accident. For so long, I avoided relationships because I was “working on me”, waiting to be the man I wanted to be to be a partner, husband, or father. Well, as it turns out, if you never stop “working on you”, You’ll never get the chance to put any of that “work” to use like it. SO have I learned anything from my recent dating experiences? Not a damn thing.
Yes, I fall quick and hard like a greased refrigerator from a shallow orbit.
Yes, I am impulsive with my heart.
Yes, I love hard.
No, I won’t stop that.
A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections
So tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
Oh, lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
-White Blank Page, Mumford and Sons