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The Warrior

Reprieve: Me and These Ghosts

September 30, 2014 Comments (4) Views: 3930 My Featured Posts

A Return Letter…From Earl Campbell…

Now, the other night, I wrote a letter to Kim Jong-Un from the state of Texas, and it was very well recieved by all that read it. It was then that it occured to me that writing letters is actually a normal thing for me, and to be fair, I’ve chosen to include a return letter sent to me…from Earl Campbell, in refernece to his hot link sausages…

Earl Campbell Foods Inc

Quality Control Department

PO Box 909 Austin TX 78767

Desk Of ******* Kilemann

Dear Mr. Gammill,

Against the advice of our legal counsel, I’ve decided to write you in response to your letter that you sent simply entitled “Why My A**hole Fell Out”. This letter in no way represents the feelings here at Earl Campbell Foods Inc., but I hope by responding I can get some solace on a personal level.

As a quality control coordinator, I am forwarded letters that report illness due to the consumption of our product, but never have I heard the phrases “assholic apocalypse”, “Swamp Assedness”, “rectal vomitose”, or “burping out a bountiful batch of buttery butt babies”. I was repulsed an offended. Speaking of being offended, I found your references to the holocaust (“intestinal holocaust”), and the describing of the walk to the restroom as being a “trail of tears”, to be outside the realm of anything a rational human being with a conscious would report. Also, Mr. Gammill, I would like to say that Earl Campbell not only had a storied career in the NFL, he is a successful businessman. That being said, I must say that it is personally offensive to me for you to state that he is “the worst thing to happen to my ass since that 2 week stay in county”. Mr. Campbell is a great man, and prison rape is not a laughing matter. Also, I would like to refute your allegations of our product being made of “Third rate lips and assholes”. Our product is made with choice meats all in compliance with the USDA as well as the FDA.

Now there are a few things that personally confused me in your letter that I attempted to clarify without resolution. Suggesting that any country in the world, let alone Angola, would accept diarrhea as a form of currency is as ludicrous as suggesting that you are now the richest man there. Also, as far as history is concerned the U.S. has never gone to war with Chile so your reports of fighting in such a conflict, and having “Seen things, Maaaannnnn”, do not substantiate anything in your letter. If you are in fact a Veteran of the Armed forces, I suggest you seek immediate medical attention for what I can only assume is a severe head injury.

Finally Mr. Gammill, on a personal note, It was completely inappropriate to send pictures of the “Aftermath”. I was shocked and offended on a level I didn’t know existed until today. That being said, I will be happy to refund you the price of your purchase of Earl Campbell Sausage out of my own pocket, simply if it means never hearing from you again. I’ve enclosed $4.00 which should cover the retail price of our product, and I hope sir, that you seek the help you so badly need.

Sincerely

****** Killeman

Quality Control Coordinator

Earl Campbell Foods Inc.

Austin, TX

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4 Responses to A Return Letter…From Earl Campbell…

  1. swsd1985 says:

    Ok…this has me in tears from laughing! I would love to see the original letter you sent, without the pictures of course!

  2. Rhonda Burton says:

    Oh my god this is one of my favorites. I deperately needed a good laugh and you have more than provided that. I am sitting with a friend in CCU while reading this. I think I actually guffawed. I know, no snicker nor polite giggle. Straight up guffaw with snort. The stern faced nurse is still eyeballing me suspiciously

  3. MouthyGirl says:

    This article caught me at work, which happens to be across the hall from a clinic where geriatrics and bariatrics are seen and are typically quite grumpy. They are ALL staring at me now – they don’t appreciate whatever it is that turned my face red, giving me tears and making my sides hurt.

    Ducking into my conference room now.

  4. Debb Rea says:

    Really.Where is this Earl Campbell guys sense of humor??? Hidden in his armpit?
    This, as all blog pages and parts, made me laugh hysterically. Thank you Justin, for another good time

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