OK, so not too long ago, I discovered the internet gold that is: The Amazon Reviews for Hairbo Sugarless Gummi Bears. In reading through the reviews, I quickly got a feel for what to expect from the product, and was actually slightly taken aback from the product description that included, no shit, a safety warning:
Consumption of some sugar-free candies may cause stomach discomfort and/or a laxative effect. Individual tolerance will vary. If this is the first time you’ve tried these candies, we recommend beginning with one-fourth of a serving size or less. Made with Lycasin, a sugar alcohol. As with other sugar alcohols, people sensitive to this substance may experience upset stomachs.
“No way I’m not buying a bag of these”, I thought, and immediately placed an order. Well apparently my sugar free gummies came from Botswana, because they finally showed up a couple of days ago after several weeks of waiting.
So I tear into the bag like a tigress…
This is my Amazon Review, written out in real-time:
(8:37 pm Tuesday March 4th)
Let me just start by saying I really enjoyed these reviews, they are witty and hilarious. But Amazon, I just don’t see what they hype here is. I ordered your silly bag of sugar free gummi bears, ate 2/3 of it in one sitting, and haven’t experienced any side effects whatsoever. I guess people have weaker stomachs or something. I had to chuckle though, ya know, the other reviews had me worried there for a minute.
(8:49 pm Tuesday March 4th)
I may have been a little hasty in my previous review: My stomach is a little upset, and I’m starting to sweat in the middle of my lower back. Is that normal?
(9:01 pm Friday March 7th)
Sweet Jesus and the angels what is wrong with my body? As I went to walk out the door Tuesday night I heard what sounded like 87 gallons of wet concrete shifting behind my belly button followed by a fart that contained no less than 14-15 cubic feet of methane. The force of the flatulence actually blew me forward, which was handy since I was facing the bathroom, and the situation had just became dire. 7 people were rendered unconscious in that initial fart, one of which was a high ranking government official from Pakistan, and I think this has been escalated to an international incident… Shitting should always be a somewhat optional situation, and thanks to these terroristic little molded pieces of hell’s wall paper, it is no longer a choice. My entire digestive system has gone rogue. It has literally gone off the grid as far as I am concerned, and it has no intentions of coming back. You assholes have turned my asshole into Jason Bourne armed with chemical weapons.
I have judged chili cook-offs in sketchy parts of the world, and have had no more ill-effect than a moderate amount of gas and bloating. Thanks to this 5 pound bag of pain you people peddled on me, the Texas natural gas regulation committees are considering capping my rectum and using me as a methane well. You laugh, but they are seriously considering it. Apparently my ass can power a fleet of short buses. Okay, so maybe that’s a positive side effect…
What is not positive, is the fact that I have been terrified to sneeze, cough or even move for the last 72 hours. It is allergy season for god’s sake, and you’ve got me terrified to sneeze?? What kind of sick bastards are these Hairbo people? Nazis? Nazis with a plan to take over the world while everyone is stuck in the bathroom afraid to move? As far as Iâ€™m concerned, it would work. I’ve been in this bathroom for 3 days, and I’m pretty sure they will never let me back into this Walmart again. The cops are still waiting for me, to potentially charge me for the assault on the Pakistani guy. Thankfully they are too scared to put me in a squad car for fear of having to burn it after the transport.
In closing, I think the safety warning was a step in the right direction, but anything less than a bio-hazard symbol is an understatement. I would weep if I didn’t think the pressure required for a sob would force forth an internal organ of some sort, because at this point there can’t be anything left in there. I can inhale febreeze and fart a flower scent. The system is at full melt-down.